Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.

   Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.

   If we removed all laws, the crime rate would be 0%.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.

   If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

   You only live once, so make sure you spend 16 hours a day on the internet desperately seeking validation from complete strangers.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. All loans matter.

   Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.

   Dating is a great way remind yourself that dying alone isn’t that bad.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.

   Somebody let vegans know that their lifestyle is a lie. They consume countless insect fragments with everything they eat.

   Remember, you can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of, "bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

   Good thing I don't work at a pizzeria. I'd be walkin' around wit' garlic knots in my pocket.