Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend until death your right to say it.

   To suppress free speech is a double wrong. It violates the rights of hearer as well as those of the speaker.

   From now on, we’ll be referring to Corona Virus as Kung-Flu or Sweet and Sour Sicken.

   Had a hen who could count her own eggs, she was a mathmachicken.

   Octopuses are just wet spiders.

   If she starts drawing shapes on your chest after sex, just get up and leave. A very stupid question is coming.

   Tonight’s Powerball Jackpot is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   Spanish word of the day: Beach. Joe Biden is China’s little beach.

   The best zoom calls are the ones where a pet makes a cameo like Stan Lee in one of the Marvel movies.

   I like my coffee so strong it shows up on a drug test.

   Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

   My wife gives the best head-ache.

   Closest I’ve come to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop.

   If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up. works everytime.

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.....When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up!

   Let us march immediately, and never lay down our arms until we obtain our independence. ~ Nathan Hale

   It's not a real relationship, until you've apologized to a locked bathroom door.

   In honor of Canada Day, I drank some Tim Horton's coffee this morning. But we still don't like your geese.

   Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

   If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.