Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chickens: The only animals you eat before they're born AND after they're dead.

   The self checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.

   Can Chloroform really knock someone out instantly like in the movies? Asking for a friend.

   I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. Then he met a man who had no legs. Then he met a man who had no brain. And that ended right there with Joe Biden.

   When you’re about as useless as the “g” in lasagna.

   That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nike’s, but you still can’t do it.

   I follow the call of the disco ball.

   Are you suffering from a lack of vitamin me?

   Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a new bra size.

   You don’t need drugs to get high when you’ve got a 42-foot articulated bucket truck.

   Innocent child dies horrifically. Oompa Loompas: Time for a song and dance.

   Don’t forget to feed your girlfriend every couple of hours or it gets cranky.

   Kids today are soft, I died once when I was five and my mom made me walk it off.

   Home of the free because of the brave, since 1776.

   My favorite color is freedom, so light up the sky like it’s the 4th of July.

   If it involves fireworks, BBQ, and freedom, count me in. Have a Yankee Doodle day.

   Remember kids, don't play with fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all day set them off. Happy 4th of July!

   When someone gets loud with you and you’re considering unleashing every single one of your inner demons.