Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 118 of 6390

   messageicon The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
←Rate | 07-28-2022 01:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
←Rate | 07-28-2022 01:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
←Rate | 07-28-2022 01:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
←Rate | 07-28-2022 01:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.
←Rate | 07-28-2022 01:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
←Rate | 07-28-2022 01:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
←Rate | 07-28-2022 01:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
←Rate | 07-28-2022 01:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A day without laughter is a day wasted.
←Rate | 07-28-2022 01:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
←Rate | 07-27-2022 11:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
←Rate | 07-27-2022 08:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it Saving Ryan's Private
←Rate | 07-27-2022 08:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse.
←Rate | 07-27-2022 08:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Sunday morning.
←Rate | 07-27-2022 08:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? Well....when they stopped putting Skittles in the damn break room vending machine.
←Rate | 07-27-2022 08:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Monica Lewinsky was asked last night if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever . She said, "Close but no cigar".
←Rate | 07-27-2022 08:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon USPS tracking: 1. We’re not sure it exists yet 2. It’s arrived.
←Rate | 07-27-2022 08:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A measles outbreak? Weird. You'd think in this day and age, they'd have invented something to protect against that.
←Rate | 07-27-2022 08:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I met a woman outside the mall crying, she lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found. When God blesses you must bless others.
←Rate | 07-27-2022 08:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
←Rate | 07-27-2022 01:04 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left