Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 118 of 6390
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
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07-28-2022 01:23
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Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
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07-28-2022 01:22
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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07-28-2022 01:22
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All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
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07-28-2022 01:21
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Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.
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07-28-2022 01:21
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Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
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07-28-2022 01:20
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Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
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07-28-2022 01:20
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If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
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07-28-2022 01:19
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A day without laughter is a day wasted.
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07-28-2022 01:18
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Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
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07-27-2022 11:04
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Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
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07-27-2022 08:46
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My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it Saving Ryan's Private
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07-27-2022 08:45
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My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse.
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07-27-2022 08:44
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Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Sunday morning.
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07-27-2022 08:43
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? Well....when they stopped putting Skittles in the damn break room vending machine.
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07-27-2022 08:42
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Monica Lewinsky was asked last night if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever . She said, "Close but no cigar".
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07-27-2022 08:41
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USPS tracking: 1. We’re not sure it exists yet 2. It’s arrived.
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07-27-2022 08:41
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A measles outbreak? Weird. You'd think in this day and age, they'd have invented something to protect against that.
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07-27-2022 08:41
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I met a woman outside the mall crying, she lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found. When God blesses you must bless others.
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07-27-2022 08:40
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Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
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07-27-2022 01:04
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