Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just when I am about to give up hope for society, I see a little old lady smile and give up her seat for a pregnant man.

   When all else fails, there’s always delusion.

   When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

   Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.

   Can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

   When Jill whispers in Joes ear she hears an echo.

   I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.

   As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

   The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

   I think humans are smarter than fish. If you were walking down the street and there was a Bic Mac hanging on a hook would you just start eating it?

   True or False: The people who are the most delusional about how great they think their state is are from New Jersey.

   OK. Whose bright idea was it to call it "Boob Sweat" and not "Humidtitties"?

   If you beat up homeless people they can go to the hospital where they will have a warm bed and good food.

   I turned off spell check because I was tired of all my jokes getting urined.

   I'm writing a book on Reverse Psychology. Please don't buy it.

   I had plastic surgery last week, I cut up my credit cards.

   Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

   He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything, that clearly points to a career in public office.

   A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.