Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when people say "Act like an adult". Have you seen adults lately? That's horrible advice!

   I took my daughter to work on "Take your kid to work day". But when we walked in she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round, I asked her what was wrong. And she said, "Dad, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"

   They say "the machines of the future" will be as smart as people. Okay, but which people? Because that makes a huge difference.

   Before the Internet, most people thought villages only had one idiot. We sure as heck did not have that right.

   Rabbits can jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs can run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

   I don't have a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 are cops...

   Marriage tip: If your wife buys tons of beauty supplies like mine does, just ask her "when they are going to start working". You want to make sure you get the proper bang for your buck.

   In Canada, you just suck!

   In Canada if we say ICE is here it means the lake's frozen and it's ice fishing time .

   I've abused my body so much,the back of my drivers license has a list of Organs I Need !