Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's wild that Santa can go into people's homes and eat their cookies. But when I do it, I have "issues" and need "help".

   Anyone know how long you could store an unopened loafs of fruit cakes for? Just planning on next year‘s Christmas gifts.

   There is no bigger day for microwaves than December 26th. This is their Olympics.

   Merry Christmas you filthy animals!

   I've just been to a safety meeting at work. They asked me "What steps would you take in the event of a fire"? "Really big ones!" was apparently the wrong answer.

   Just farted at work and maintenance was called to my area to look for a sewer leak.

   Not today Satan !! ... Wait.......what kind of cookies did you say?

   So ripping off taxpayers of billions is ok, but Menards rebate is bad?

   Santa, no matter what my wife says, I have been very good this year.

   The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."