Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got my wish list returned from Santa. The note attached said, "LMBO... NO!

   The air outside feels like a Newport menthol 100

   Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don't work, and the other half aren't so bright.

   Wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and have them call me when it's ready to be picked up.

   The hacker was so disappointed in my bank account, he started a Go Fund Me page.

   Pro Tip: no one will notice your holiday weight gain if you carry a pie everywhere

   People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders

   I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face but with words.

   When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I stayed on the couch with my snacks getting fatter

   Hot older men in your area want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat.