Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't hate you but I'd pay to see you take a Trailer hitch to the shin !

   Our entire planet is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere placed on a shelf in an alien student's classroom as a science fair project that got a C minus.

   Can't wait until November 2nd when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.

   Can't wait until march 9th when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.

   Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a concidence.

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.

   Big ass booty

   Q. What are the two most frequented words the groom will say after he says "I do?" A. "Yes, dear."

   Q. What individual did the biggest favor ever for two people? A. The one who stood up when the minister said, 'Speak now, or forever hold your peace.'