Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember those days when people used to write diaries and got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when people don't read them.

   It's not snowing!

   Sometimes you just have to tell someone you can keep talking, but I'm going to hang up right now.

   I'm going to eat straight corn for supper tonight so I'll have something for the bird feeder in the morning

   The book on marriage says, "Treat your wife like you treated her on the first date". So after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents house.

   The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis.

   I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully I was at work.

   I grew up a stones throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

   Work is like a browser: 20 tabs open, 5 frozen, and you have no idea where the music is coming from.

   I hate when I'm on Facebook and I'm rudely interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield.