Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear mom while I have been away at college I have learned to make rational and accountable decisions while I'm drinking. However we may or may not have a drunken cat on our hands.

   the weekend draws near.. oh liver, you know I love u..

   NASA is only bombing the moon to help get rid of werewolves...

   Never critisize your wife's judgment. . . .look who she married

   Nobel Prizes are not for what you are "trying" to do, they are for what you have actually achieved. I nominate myself for a Nobel Prize in Medicine for my "efforts" in finding a cure for hangovers.

   got a call this morning at 5:30 and found out I won the Nobel Peace Prize because I thought peace sounded like a good idea. I turned them down becuase I hadn't done anything to win it. Anyone here who the runner up was?

   has a request…if something should happen to me would someone change my status and harvest my farm town crops?

   Dear NASA, thank you for wasting 75 million government dollars to bomb the moon because you THOUGHT you saw "ice"..... I mean really? I think I see ice in a pothole on my block, can I have 200 mortar rounds and a launch tube so I can make sure I'm right?

   Did you see the new scratch off Lotto tickets at the Quikee mart? The jackpot is a Nobel peace prize!

   angrier than a piano player in a marching band.

   did you hear about that kid napping? yeah the poor kid just woke up..

   i would give you a dozen roses, 11 real and 1 fake, then tell you that I will love you till the last one dies...

   me without you is like a nerd without braces, a shoe without laces, a sentencewithoutspaces...

   Jesus saves..., He passes to Moses!; Moses shoots!..., HE SCORES!!

   says my wife just accused me of being self-centered.... I nearly fell off my throne!

   Wishes he was a white crayon, so no one would use me...

   insured by Smith and Wesson

   wondering whether Lady Gaga dresses up like a normal person when it's halloween.

   if I had to have both my arms amputated I'd just shrug it off.

   Do you realise that in 40 years time,there will be alot of old ladies walking around with tatoos