Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   busy creating an excuse for not coming into work tomorrow.

   I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

   I clearly like all the music on my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle...then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes

   Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize that I had no idea what the eff was going on when I first saw it.

   if you wear dog tags as a "fashion accesory", YOU'RE WRONG!

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency

   september ends tomorrow..so dont forget to wake me up!!!

   n't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

   .......and thats how I got kicked in the balls by Mickey Mouse!!!

   Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

   Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

   running around the house with a towel tied around his neck with only his boxers on and a Giant "S" written on his Chest Yelling "This Looks Like a Job for..."

   used to have superpowers, but his psychiatrist took them away...

   says if it wasn't for the last minute, I wouldn't get anything done!

   Lifetime, television for women. Yet for some reason women are always getting beaten on that channel.

   When ever you are single, all you see are couples, but when ever you are in a couple, all you see are hookers.

   Today, my friend from school was saying how her 'nano' died. I quickly responded by saying "so? recharge it." Turns out she didn't say 'nano', she said 'nana'. dammit....

   Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen.

   Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.