Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What up MM?

   If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot...

   I keep having this recurring nightmare. It lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   My wife asked if I was listening. I heard enough to be concerned.

   I told my wife I had a plan. She asked if it was a good one. I said, "It exists".

   My wife said, "Do whatever you want". I'm currently evaluating risk.

   I don't understand why banks get upset when you can't repay a loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.

   My wife asked why I wake up at 4 a.m. to fish. Because peace and quiet are apparently sunrise exclusives

   I don't usually brag about going to expensive places... But I just left the gas station.

   My wife asked how golf went. I said, "Mentally? Tough. Spiritually? Necessary".

   Where can I apply for fuel stamps???

   I didn’t say you were a ho… I said you take bigger loads down the throat than Charlie Kirk

   Whoever put the S in fast food is a marketing genius.

   When we yawn, do deaf people think we are yelling?

   If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.

   Number one 2026 Pick Up Line: "I have a full tank of gas."

   The scary part of Artificial Intelligence, is that it's becoming Artificially Influential.

   The beard is the male version of a push up bra. Use it to your advantage...

   Now that everyone has a phone with a camera on them 24 hours a day, where have all the UFOs gone?

   Dating your ex again is like buy your clothes back from GoodWill... There's a reason you got rid of it in the first place.