Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder what people who type "u" instead of "you" do with all their free time.

   Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire Sauce?

   Me: I've been feeling unwell. Can I take a one day leave? Boss: When I feel sick, I kiss my wife and my sickness goes. Try it! Me: I tried it. At first your wife hesitated, but then she enjoyed it. Boss: you're done - fired!

   Marriage tip: When your wife is laying down on the couch, ask her if she plans on doing anything today. This will subconsciously remind her that she has chores to do that need done, and she needs to get up and start doing her chores.

   If 22 is twenty two & 33 is thirty three, then why the heck is 11 not onety one?

   EVERY TIME I visit a website, I click Accept cookies. I have yet to receive a single cookie and I'm getting sick and tired of the lies.

   Marriage tip #9: When your wife spills something and makes a mess, don't offer to clean it up. She will realize that there are consequences to her actions, and she will grow as a person because of it.

   There are roughly 700,000 people having sex at any given moment. Meanwhile, I'm practicing how to kiss a girl with wild raccoons.

   Random tip: If you fill a pinata with ketchup, you never have to host a children's birthday party ever again!

   If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple, "Thank you". Not all this, "How did you get into my house?" nonsense.