Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't know why I'm so surprised Taylor swift got engaged with Travis Kelsy? Like I've been expecting her to call me any day now to tell me your the one I want!

   Travis Kelce is going to have to sign a prenup that is longer than any book he's ever read!!

   Dear Transgender people, Don't you dare tell me I have to accept you for who you are when you couldn't even accept you for who you were.

   August is almost over. Tomorrow is September 1st. Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody.

   Pizza is like sex, it's always good even if it's bad.

   Relaxing, Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything...

   If Taylor Swift wasn't musically successful, at best, she'd be a weekend weather forecaster on a local news station.

   I have a small request. Would you IiberaIs go f yourselves? Thanks.

   The waitress at Bob Evans asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

   How do you sleep at night knowing people don’t like u” Me: with the fan on high

   Q. What individual did the biggest favor ever for two people? A. The one who stood up when the minister said, 'Speak now, or forever hold your peace.'

   Q. What are the two most frequented words the groom will say after he says "I do?" A. "Yes, dear."

   Big ass booty

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands. For instance, if they are around your throat, she's probably slightly upset.

   My ex's smile is like an email from grandma: all caps.

   Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that was just a concidence.

   Can't wait until march 9th when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.

   Can't wait until November 2nd when we all turn our clocks forward and gain a extra hour of sunlight! And in other news I just want to be a social network influencer.