Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The world is just 1 Keith Richards death away from imploding

   I'm looking for 11,780 point for my sports team because I know in my heart they won.

   Trump could have easily discovered the theory of relatively, on his own, if Einstein didn't do it first because Trump has the greatest scientific mind ever. He's better than Jesus Christ himself.

   Everyone over here doing the 10 year challenge while metaverse is doing the facial recognition challenge.

   The processor in my smart phone is 120,000,000 times faster than the computer aboard Apollo 11. They went to the moon, I play Clash of Clans and watch videos of funny cats flushing toilets.

   My wife's doctor called and I had to take a message. He said her Pabst Beer came back negative. What the hell is he talking about?

   How much ground would a groundhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground?

   Can I borrow...Nope You got...Nope Can you let me...Nope Just practicing for 2022👌🤣

   looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue

   Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's yard sale then stand back and watch the reactions.

   Changed all my passwords to "Kenny." Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.

   I just read that they're not making rulers any longer.

   To All Those Who Received a Book from Me as a Christmas Present....They are Due Back at the Library Today

   Amy Schneider is a biological male. The swimmer from Penn State is a biological male. They should not be given records that were previously relegated to the ranks of biological females.

   Autobots Roll Out, we are under attract by the evil Deltacron, leader of the Decepticons!

   RIP Bob Saget: A comic whose stand-up routine was basically a 9 year old who discovered you can say curse words when your parents aren't around.

   Men pick their favorite sports team when they are like 11 and let it make them upset for the rest of their life.

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it "Toilet Paper" and not "Butt Napkins"?

   It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs because they take things literally

   Taxes are basically a yearly subscription to the country you live. Childhood is the Free Trial.