Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Starting a new job feels like you’re a new character on the ninth season of a tv show.

   Exercising is basically hurting yourself until you build up an immunity to hurting yourself.

   Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Juliette Oscar Echo Bravo India Delta Echo November.

   Someone told me that they had a little seizure and I had to resist saying pizza, pizza.

   Recipes should include photos of the mess you have to clean up afterwards.

   My wife spilled iced coffee in her lap and asked if I’d like some pumpkin spice twatte.

   Stonehenge was just a failed Neolithic game of Jenga

   Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness Me: lying on my resume probably

   Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

   I PASSED THE BAR!!!! So proud of myself, I really wanted to get a shot of tequila but I just passed it and kept on walking.

   Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century. They’re millennial falcons.

   I love Halloween, it is the one day of the year people don't question my sanity.

   In hell your laundry is all fitted sheets.

   For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"

   I’m afraid of a world run by people who were never spanked as a kid and given a trophy just for participating.

   All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   Whether you're a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.

   It's sad when I search, "Delta variant", and all but one are about the airline.

   If you're going to mess around with opioids - overdoses happen, and usually Narcan until it can't.

   Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.