Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

   Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

   me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

   My milk crates bring all the boys to the yard, and they’re like “somebody call an ambulance!”.

   When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

   Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

   My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2021. I’m already at $8.32

   million dollar idea: worm dehorser

   Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

   I am whipped today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   Biden created the most heavily armed terrorist nation in history.

   Technically, it's a Silver Alert. But yeah.

   Amber Alert!! White Male, 70-something yrs old, acts like a 10-year old child, has a stripper for a wife, thinks he won the 2020 election.

   The dimmer brat party has changed. I know, I was one. Until Obama and Biden started all this BS we’re dealing with now. Miss Trump yet?

   Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.

   Neil Diamond's real name is... Neil Diamond. Grace Slick's real name is... Grace Slick. Engelbert Humperdinck's real name is... Arnold Dorsey. I think about this a lot.

   "Where the hell are all these moths coming from?" -Thomas Edison

   Time to hit the sack. After that, I’ll probably just go to bed.

   If I had an Australian Accent, I would never shut up.

   If it isn't broken, fix it until it is. 🛠