Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

   Just imagine how many lives have been saved by telemarketers calling the random number of a terrorist's cell phone detonated explosive device. "Hello, I'm calling about your cars extended". . . KABOOM!

   Wishing your friends a Happy unplug from technology day on Facebook is like walking into an AA meeting with a bottle of whiskey.

   Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.

   Does anyone know of any rappers who are proud of their hometowns?

   I hope this blue uniform and walkie talkie doesn't make me look fat - Insecurity guard

   Covid-19 basically destroyed the Corona beer brand...now it is going after an airline

   No one can't tell me that I have to stop at a red light. It's mah freedom.

   wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   I'm tired of all these calls from SPAMAZON and SCAMAZON telling me someone placed a large order using my AMAZON account that I don't even have...

   Signed up to be an organ donor but they said I have to wait to donate until after I die.

   I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

   i remembee when I was little and I thought my friends turning off the light while I was in the toilet was the worst day of my life

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   Bucket List #82: I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.

   He promised us he'll be back in office on August 13th. I have a feeling this won't be a white lie, but an orange lie.

   HR says that putting my pants on doesn’t mean I can take my top off

   I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

   sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”

   How things roll is "happy wife = happy life", but just remember, women will never be 100% satisfied, so you might as well go ahead and piss her off.