Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I owned a taser, I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself… and that’s why I don’t own a taser.

   Mexican words of the day: Bishop and Lysol. “Would you please shut this Kamala Bishop, she Lysol the time.

   I miss the good ol days… when everybody wasn’t such an overly sensitive twit.

   What do you get when a topless blond rubs sunscreen on a topless brunette? Your camera.

   Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that you could have avoided by just being an a$$h*le?

   I’ve got bitemarks all over my tongue from all the things that I didn’t say.

   If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart.

   When you find out she’s a little crazy, but now you like her even more.

   Her: What is this pile of clothes on the floor? Me: I struck down a Jedi. Her: I h*te you. Me: Yes, use your h*te.

   To defeat the latest variant, experts recommend doing all the things that didn’t work the first time.

   Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that marriage should be between a person who don’t like pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

   Dear Anti-Vaxxer Imbeciles, Thank you for putting the rest of us at risk because you're too obtuse to look past ridiculous conspiracy theories

   Anyone who believes that Trumpers think Donald Trump created the vaccine but won't take it because it's poisonous obviously has the greatly diminished mental capacity of Dementia Joe

   just saw a guy wipe ketchup off his girlfriend's moustache in McDonald's. And they say romance is dead.

   Why have I never actually seen a pie on a windowsill? even as a kid....

   Karaoke is that one thing that convinces hundreds of drunk people they can actually sing.

   Do you suppose Ghosts believe in People?

   My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergarden.

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

   We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.