Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good night, everybody. Night sweats, no... sweet dreams. That's it... sweet dreams.

   "Military only get one day" said only in june by homophobic peope who cant stuff up

   This morning I spent at least half an hour trying to get wifes bra off... I will never try wearing that again.

   I’m pretty sure if dogs could talk their most common phrase would be Are you going to eat that?

   Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for very infectious diseases

   If Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, I'm going to upload my debt...

   spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

   They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store ….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

   Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

   A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

   Makin all the ladies drop they panties I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria’s Secret.

   How I see dogs: Beagle, German Shepherd, Chihuahua, Pekingese, Poodle, Pug. How I see cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat.

   For all those calling for Fathers Day to be called Special Person's day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   It’s Donald Duck’s birthday. Today Donald is 84... Donald wears a sailor hat and a sailor shirt and nothing else. When I go out like that, I get arrested.

   My wife thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me someday.

   If you play a Nickelback CD backwards you hear Ozzy laughing his arse off because you bought a Nickelback CD.

   Throwing out a stale donut this morning.... Please respect my privacy at this very difficult time.

   I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

   A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.

   No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch.