Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny how these cyber attacks only happen to industries Biden is trying to shut down…. Gas/Beef

   If you’re suddenly surprised that COVID was made in a lab after conspiracy theorist have been saying that for the last 16 months, just wait until we “circle back” to the election results.

   Dear Hulu, Disney, Apple, Netflix, Amazon, CBS, NBC, and everyone else trying to create a streaming service: we’re not going to pay for eight of these, work it out.

   CDC just announced dudes can stop wearing skinny jeans.

   You Matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy.

   What makes Elon guard his Musk? Courage

   Television is the monster in your home, and it’s called a program for a reason. It has been designed to psychologically change the ways that you view reality.

   Protesters should step their game up and start blocking railroad crossings.

   Hey Joe, must be nice to eat ice cream as fast as you want and not have to worry about brain freeze.

   Twenty years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

   This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

   I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer.

   Pro cooking tip: Serve a super bold, spicy red wine before dinner to cover up how badly you over seasoned the food. The best defense is a good offense.

   An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

   Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers. Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

   My kids won’t stop bugging me for an in-ground pool so tonight we’re watching Poltergeist.

   I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

   It’s like my therapist always says, Please, put on your pants.

   That’s a horrible idea. What time?

   I hope my dog never finds out I am made of bones