Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came up with a new drinking game. Watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and every time Goofy says “Gorsh!” take a swig. I give it five minutes before you black out.

   Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

   Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

   Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

   Some random number just texted me thinking he was texting his manager saying that he was gonna be a few minutes late today. So I just gave him the day off.

   Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 10 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct.

   Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

   It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

   I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

   I’m trying to teach our self cleaning oven how to do the rest of the house.

   They don't need to microchip you. You're literally holding a tracking device right now.

   Masturbat¡on is like s€x, but without the smells and major clean-up.

   This thing of “Sorry babe I was sleeping” must come to an end. People must decide whether they want to sleep, or to be in a relationship.

   "Elon Musk" sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.

   How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

   No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

   Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

   Don't spell part backwards.. it's a trap

   Getting older is tough and I’ve tried to age gracefully but nothing prepared me for seeing Ice-T in a commercial for laundry detergent.

   Somedays You just have to have an Attitude of Gratitude !