Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want the vaccine but I'll get mad if it's given to others in need, because Jesus taught us that helping other people in need is stupid.

   Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

   Overheard: “Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

   Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

   If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

   I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then again, I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.

   The news just broadcast that 2 actors I've never heard of are getting a divorce and I was sad...that $#@% like that qualifies as news.

   The more I learn about people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals aboard the ark.

   Columbia House called, You still have to buy 4 LP’s at regular price.

   As we get older, The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.

   In what world does a box of Kraft macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, kiss or dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt by the heart.

   When I was born they were probably like “He’ll stop crying soon” yet here I am

   The older I get the more companies are making the lids on jars tighter.

   QAnon Shaman? More like QAnon Virgin.

   As a sign of respect, I will now be ending all me sentences with the word "Jack". Good for me, Jack!

   High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

   Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

   It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it an internet girlfriend and not eBae?