Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do beavers even know what they're doing? Or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, "Absolutely not!"

   Oxygen was dicovered in 1977....

   I send women a picture of my medicine cabinet so they know Exactly what they are getting into 😛

   Ivanka Trump announced she got the vaccine shot. This means, no matter what I believe, I have to get the shot too or else the Trump family will hate me.

   Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha…🤔

   Blackened Chicken Recipe: 1. Clean chicken 2. Place chicken in oven 3. Go check social media

   I wish everything was as easy as gaining weight.

   we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

   I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti cannons because I like to party.

   My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge. He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

   I wonder if I can do a reverse mortgage on my student loan and then when I die they can have my degree.

   I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

   My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop. Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

   *First day as a missing person* Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

   Everyone’s a gangster until they touch something wet in the garbage

   My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

   Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

   Sleepy Joe Administration Won’t Allow National Day Of Prayer To Be Held At US Capitol This Year. what a dum arse

   Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

   Sent x-rays instead of pictures.... because it's what's inside that counts.