Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever get a friend request and you're like "Nah, you look like you steal copper."?

   Reached that age where everything I think happened 2-3 years ago really happened in 2003.

   I've invented a new game called Silent Tennis. It's like regular tennis but without the racquet.

   Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

   heartaches

   I can't use public toilets for fear of spending hours trying to break into each toilet roll holder to turn the paper around the "right" way.

   Every family has an old beach towel with a cartoon character on it and nobody knows where it came from

   If you use two or more sugars in your coffee I’m pretty sure you don’t like coffee

   It's about time we, as a sophisticated society, start getting birds to wear diapers.

   the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

   [first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

   Microwave: Here's a piping hot Tupperware of cold food

   Nomadland won the Oscar for Best Picture. Was this an actual movie or a description of movie theaters in 2020?

   Just because you haven’t met the right person doesn’t mean that you will.

   My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college. Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

   Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be. Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

   Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

   Do you think baby teddy bears sleep with stuffed people

   So I guess with the pandemic raging in India, the scammers will either have to work from home or cough their way through the IRS scam script

   The police came by to tell me that my dogs have been chasing people on bicycles. I said, “My dogs don’t even own bicycles!”