Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can’t wait to put “fully vaccinated” on my dating profiles like an adoptable dog.

   WARNING: If you see a link that tells you to, "Click For Free Nickelback Tickets!", Do not click!! I repeat, DO NOT CLICK!!!! It directs you to a link that will actually give you free Nickelback tickets!!!!

   Why does Matt Gaetz hate rush hour on the highway? Because he prefers minor traffic.

   Filipinos: The Mexicans of the Asian Race

   If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

   What did I learn today? Never use a dentist with a huge inflatable molar on his roof.

   fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

   If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

   Starting to think my job only wants me for my labor

   I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

   I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

   Youth Soccer: $75 to watch your kid pick dandelions.

   The check engine light came on inside my oven.

   I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

   Just because you are vaccinated doesn’t mean you can now wear Axe Body Spray.

   can whoever turned off the bermuda triangle please turn it back on again thanks

   The receipts are out. How can Gaetz be this dumb?

   Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

   There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

   PRO TIP: Not resisting arrest greatly reduces your chances of being sh●t by 100%.