Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If God sneezed, what would you say to him?

   A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

   A good rule of thumb is, if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.

   I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither theory works.

   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.....

   I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

   If ten percent is good enough for God; it should be good enough forObama...

   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

   And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve

   Thinks Women are like scratch-off tickets… There fun to do, ….. Most of the time they turn out to be losers, …. If your lucky you'll get a winner, ……. And in the end you spend more than you get!

   wants to procrastinate... well, not today... perhaps tomorrow!

   put the wrong socks on the wrong feet this morning.

   The neighbor's kids are named Titus and Judah. Either the couple is Greek, or they smoke ALOT of dope.

   gotta feeling tonight's gonna be a good night.

   anyone who says it's as easy as taking candy from a baby, has never tried taking candy from a baby!

   feels like a Fruit Loop trapped in a box of Cheerios...

   knows you laugh at him because he's different. He laughs because you're all the same.