Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's like kids can just smell us relaxing.

   What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski m

   RACCOON: I'm being burglarized 911: can you describe him RACCOON: he's wearing a mask 911: maybe he's your RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

   Living check to check is fine til you go from "Think I'll treat myself to a $7 latte" to "Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs."

   I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.

   Sorry, package of water bottles. I'm only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you're sleeping in the car tonight.

   I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

   ME: It's quite interesting really. You see, "gym" comes from the greek "gymnós" meaning "naked" YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you're going to need to put on some pants

   Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

   Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite? Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

   7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing? Me: Cooking dinner. 7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why? Me: I have no idea.

   Me: you want french toast for breakfast? Toddler: yes. Me: manners? Toddler: no thank you.

   waiter: any allergies I should know about? me: uh, peanuts? waiter: [disappointed] aw I already know that one.

   Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

   Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can't say you didn't see them.

   car salesman: and I'm 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha me: ok phew haha *muffled screaming* car salesman: 100%

   ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it? ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

   ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.

   I'm a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct