Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the real reason you shouldn’t flush condoms is the fish get caught in them and it makes the fishermen laugh so hard they fall off the boat

   Somebody broke into my house and stole the alarm system.

   [trick-or-treating] Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it! Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

   *Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you're so self absorbed.* -Me as a therapist

   Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there Really hoping this is Halloween related

   Men are NOT pigs. Pigs are gentle sensitive and intelligent animals.

   I felt a little guilty about not eating any vegetables today then I remembered I ate some Ruffles earlier so I'm good now.

   On Facebook friends are like "My life is beautiful! Everything is so fantastic I can hardly contain myself!" But in real life when you ask them how they're doing they're like "okay"

   I think I’d respect captain crunch more if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat

   "Im not talking without my lawyer present". Cop:"but you are the lawyer". Me: "Exactly, so where's my present"?

   Me: "Doc, I just got back from Thailand and there's something wrong with my feet." Doc: "what is it" Me: "My pecker keeps dripping on them..."

   Things I learned the hard way in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   If Cinderella's shoe only fit her and no one else why did it fall off?

   My advice is to never take any advice you get online. Including this advice.

   Some women pay $5000 for breast enlargement. I got my man boobs for free.

   I think Cinderella purposely left her shoe at the castle just like Side Chicks always seem to be leaving their panties.

   When I first started growing a beard I didn't really like it but after some time it started to grow on me.

   Impeachment is not only constitutional, but also golden.

   The cashier asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag to whom I replied No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container.

   Never ask a woman with no teeth for gum