Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When they shoot scenes w stagecoaches in Westerns, I bet the horses think "Hey wtf? We're not supposed to have to do this sheet anymore"

   ometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land.

   Sometimes I just can’t believe I am an adult with normal things like a mortgage, a job, and an overwhelming desire to drive off a cliff.

   I'll sleep when my iPhone's dead.

   i miss the 1970s when you could ignore a call without even knowing who it was

   Wedding photographer's slogan: Take a picture of your marriage. It will last longer.

   so many beautiful women I went to high school with are now married to sentient camouflage hats

   The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off

   People are weird. Everyone knows door handles spread disease, but whenever I ask a business owner if I can clean his knob I get thrown out.

   This youth group broke the number one cardinal rule of making money at a Car Wash. They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign.

   If it wasn't for rap I probably wouldn't know the area codes of most major metropolitan cities

   My favorite way to ruin a romantic evening is by coming out of the bathroom naked and singing Love Boat until the waiter asks us to leave.

   Dark chocolate tastes like chocolate that started doing CrossFit.

   Glad I'm not Spiderman cause I'd probably just make lots of web hammocks and take lots of naps.

   How you all like the new page?

   My six year old just hissed at me. I'm either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

   Donald Trump announces huge border wall with Canada to prevent Melania from pouncing on Justin Trudeau.

   I canceled my Netflix after discovering tons of free channel's where I can endlessly scroll their menus finding nothing to watch, just like Netflix.

   millennial: I wish for death boomer genie: did you say debt millennial: no boomer genie: too late

   I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.