Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish some of my childhood friends who Iv lost contact with could somehow find me as I think I'm still 'it' from a game of hide-n-seek.

   I've always been a night owl who likes to get up early. See my dilemma?

   So Walmart securty didn’t see this Mofo coming in from the parking lot with a Ak-47 ? But they wanna see a receipt for some water!

   Does Moscow Mitch have teeth? He's always gumming.

   Oh great, the Dow Jones is dropping faster than Melania's panties at a photoshoot.

   I love you, #GreenShirtGuy. I'm cracking up with you.

   In 1969 you could buy a gun from a catalog. No background check or ID. No mass shootings. So what happened.

   Talk about blatantly forcing yourself on El Paso.

   If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

   "Woah woah hey woah" [me attempting to breakup a fight]

   *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientis

   Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

   When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

   Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

   Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

   [Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did MOM: Where’s your father?

   If I die after I pay rent I need y’all to sit my body up on my couch until the 31st of that month. I want my monies worth

   I hate going to the kitchen and finding out I’m the only snack in this house...

   When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

   This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.