Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today. Instructions said 'Take off top and push up bottom'. Five hours I spent in casualty

   I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

   Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

   who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box..... had to be a female......

   who decided that paper beats rock? Next time I hear someone say that I want them to hold up a sheet of paper and let me throw a rock at them

   just not the same since that house fell on my sister

   dressed as a parking attendent at the zoo, 300 spots at $5 a pop is $1500 for a days work

   as cool as a beeper was in '94!

   Slept like a baby last night!!! Woke 3 times and screamed my lungs out....and pooed my pants !!!

   pretty sure it's what Jesus would have done...

   f you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito

   I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

   I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not!

   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart

   killed Kenny... (You ba$tard!)

   wish I had a time machine to go back to 1968 so I could show all the pretty ladies what '69 is going to be like.

   The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

   Why is bra singular and panties plural?

   If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.