Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

   somewhere between raising Hell and amazing grace.

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's ok cause they know me there.

   I hate when I get Drunk and Bid on Ebay.

   You know when you say "that thinga-ma-bob"? Does Bob say "that-thinga-ma-me" and when I'm talking to Bob should I say "that-things-ma-you"? In a proper setting is it "that-thinga-ma-Robert"? If 2 guys named Bob are together, do they say "that-thinga-ma-u

   if at first you don't succeed...skydiving is not for you!!!

   the real farther of Michael Jacksons children.

   doesn't want a happy ending... that implies something has to end. Me... I want a fantastic right now!

   Comes to earth when mars gets boring

   typing the postcodes of nudist colonies into Google Earth and pressing 'zoom'.

   Trust me...Even if I gave a sh*t I wouldnt give it to you!

   says a cannibal is someone who goes to a resturant and orders the waiter!!

   I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

   Bad decisions make good stories

   I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

   Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

   "Do Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.