Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saw an amazing looking girl the other day wearing a T-Shirt that said 'Fight Poverty'. So to impress her, I ran over and punched a tramp.

   I think more people would go to the library in school if they spiced it up a little bit... like maybe putting and open bar or strip club in it.

   I could never own a Porsche because I refuse to pronounce it like the Douche Bags that own them do.

   I can't see an end.I have no control and I don't think there's any escape - I don't even have a home anymore......................Definitely time for a new keyboard!!

   BBC News: "Web attacks on the rise."...........Must be Spiderman, the rascal!!

   If sex is a pain in the a$$ then you re doing it wrong!

   Went to store. A guy repeatedly screamed, "WOW, THATS A LOW PRICE!" I set him on fire. Now prices r even lower due to smoke damage

   Power play? I think the Washington Capitals need to work on their Heimlich Maneuver instead.

   "Are you an archaeologist? 'Cos I've just discovered a bone in my pants, and I was wondering if you could date it."

   What's got 147 teeth and holds back The Incredible Hulk?.........My zip!

   this morning was a series of honking and yelling, and giving crappy looks.. Then I finally got out of the driveway and on my way to work.

   stealing the greener grass from the other side

   You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

   a friend on facebook whose status says "Suicidal - Standing on the edge of a cliff"....So I poked him...

   I really think that one whom sratches his or her own ass, should not bite their Fingernails

   What do you mean I can't order a Whopper with bacon in between 2 chicken patties wrapped in a burrito? I thought this was Have It Your Way?

   If i'm ever sleeping and a bunch of Zs start coming out of my head, please call a doctor.

   optimist drowns in half full tub

   I am now home from what would have been a hard day had I done any work

   first they ban all the mexicans from az and now my happy Meals from cali,.,.,. Wats upp with this country??