Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

   i love gummy bears cuz they dont attack when you chew their heads off

   spreading some positive molecules

   When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

   took the "What should you be doing right now" quiz. And the answer is... WORK !

   A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Share' button.

   When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

   going to drink wet cement and get really stoned.

   Shouldn't the fortune in every fortune cookie be "You are about to eat a stale cookie?"

   Something you never hear in the news: "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."

   When I was a kid I used to trick the tooth fairy with kidney stones

   a date with 2 Girls from 1 Cup

   went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

   not gaining weight, he's retaining food!

   calculating the square root of tomorrow

   wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac!

   stuck in the moment and he can't get out of it...

   has secretly replaced the Parmesan cheese shaker with a used Pedi-Egg. Will her guests be able to tell the difference?

   guesses Chris Brown sure taught Rihanna how to breathe with "no air"

   As I'm getting older I've noticed my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used