Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the more successful you are the more they will envy you, so screw it, be the best of the best it's not like anyone can do anything about it

   thinks Oscar the Grouch should have upsized and moved into the dumpster accross sesame street.

   just realized that Twilight is about Bella's dilemma between bestiality and necrophilia.

   My safe word is blueberry pancakes. Whoops! this isn't MySpace.

   Look down ur shirt and spell ATTIC.

   WEED - 5$...ROLL UP - 1$...THAT FEELING YOU GET AFTER - PRICELESS......HAPPY 4/20

   making like a baby and heading out.

   "Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull Volcano" Earth's way of Celebrating 4/20

   the interviewer asked him, if he failed college would he have committed suicide, he said he would rather kill himself than doing something that terrible

   Skilled workers are hard to find. That's why idiots are promoted to management.

   If you think chocolate is better than sex,you really need to find that special someone. If you have already met someone special and STILL believe it,i seriously need to know what kind of chocolate you're eating!

   once my kid learned how to read I had to explain why all his Christmas presents said 'Made in China'

   Decided to make "eyjafjallajökull" my safe word.

   If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off

   Would you like to go down for a midnight snack?

   Whenever Uncle Eyjafjallajokull would say, "Kids! Pull my finger!" We were smart enough to ignore him. Is there a lesson here Iceland?

   Happy National Weed Day!!!

   thinks it's funny when people say listen to the birds singing. The birds aren't singing, they are saying "I'm horny! Come screw me!!"

   Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 50 cents.

   thinks Larry King has used up 8 of his 9 wives....