Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)

   went to Barnes & Noble and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose...

   He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.

   No one likes a smartass. Especially another smartass. Unless they have their own TV show, then they're a comic genius.

   Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement

   when I was drunk, you were beautiful

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

   Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear...

   C.R.E.A.M. - Coffee Rules Everything Around Me

   The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music...

   Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.

   why, hello there gin and tonic....enjoy your stay, and as usual...please feel free to as many complementary brain cells you'd like........i believe you and liver have met............

   Doctors say drinking 8 glasses of water a day keeps skin looking younger. But I say drink 8 glasses of wine a day and you won't give a damn how old you look.

   wondering why I can put my "two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts." I suspect I might be getting ripped off...

   I swear to God, if Bill Gates had a dollar for everytime I have to reboot my computer...Oh, wait. He does. :(

   for every husband who says that his wife cannot take a joke, he should remember that she took him...

   to all of my FB friends: I love you all and you are fabulous! Except for you #78; you are just an ass. You know who you are so don't even try to fake the funk...

   Farmville? Fishville? I want to play Margaritaville. All I need is: 1800 Tequila, a pop-top and a woman to blame. But if I don't get them, I know it is my own damn fault.

   I've got an empty coffee cup and no memory of drinking it. I don't put cream in my coffee, so I think that's a black out.

   saw a car today that had a sticker that said "Americans never forget". Then I remembered that Hiliary Clinton is Secretary of State so obviously we do...