Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Traveled to the future and found out I'm flat-ass broke. Note to future self: Don't sell your boat and Plasma screen. Sell your wife.

   Being up all night with a child didn't bother me so much when I was younger. This got me to thinking... I cannot believe menopause and teaching him how to drive a car is going occur in the same week!

   Did you get those pants on sale? cause I can get them 100% off

   I was sitting at the dinner table last night and I meant to say pass the mashed potatoes but I let it slip you stupid B@#ch you've ruined my life

   I want to thank e-Harmony for the free match weekend...they are amazing...found my perfect match, sent the profile, and pic...we are getting together later today...I am so impressed and very curious how they got a picture of my left hand....

   I promise... no more sex with anybody... unless they really, really, need it

   Always remember to pillage before you burn.

   Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.

   Never weed wack poison ivy in the nude.

   No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

   They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over?

   Earth first! (We'll strip-mine the other planets later)

   Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

   They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.

   There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

   Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship

   Before you meet your prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.

   I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

   Never chase after a man or a train - another one will always come along.

   There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.