Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got some new underwear yesterday. Well, they were new to me.

   Wishing all a Happy Easter, and hoping the Easter Bunny craps out a huge chocolate filled egg for you!-)

   In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

   They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

   Put a diaper on that mouth cuz you talk a lot of crap...

   Going to go back in time and have sex with all the Golden Girls, and Angela Lansbery.

   When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

   The weather over here is terrible. Last night I dreamt it actually stopped raining. I love a good dry dream.

   Darn allergy season.. I'm getting really good at the sneezenpee dance today!

   I wish you could spray on gift wrap.

   f you reach into your pants pocket to get something & it takes more than 5 seconds to get it, you've succeeded at looking like a perverted jackass.

   If you've already hit puberty & feel the need to wear a tiara for your birthday, I hope none of your dreams come true princess.

   One time a bird dropped some mac & cheese on my windshield. Initially I thought "Are you kidding me?!" but once I understood that this was in fact a magical dinner suggestion from God, all was right with the world once again.

   Clay Aiken & Ruben Studdard going on tour together.....unfortunately that isn't a April Fool's joke!!!

   The FBI warnings before movies on DVD still refer to videotapes. So basically, even the people who are paid to make sure this is on every DVD, don't read it either

   I feel like such a pansy when something hits my windshield & makes me flinch.

   typed this status update with his big toe. Today's update was brought to you by Dr. Scholls.

   The other day I admitted that I saw both The Devil Wears Prada and Nanny Diaries in the same conversation. I should hand my penis right back to my parents.

   I'm fairly certain people are out there deliberately driving their cars around slow & aimlessly with the sole purpose of f*cking with me