Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon I tried saying no to vodka, but it was 40% stronger than me.
←Rate | 07-03-2010 08:25 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.
←Rate | 07-03-2010 08:36 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.
←Rate | 07-03-2010 16:28 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happy 234th Birthday,America! :)
←Rate | 07-04-2010 07:18 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
←Rate | 07-04-2010 14:54 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  


   messageicon The reason you can't fool all of the people all of the time is because half of them are women.
←Rate | 07-05-2010 13:59 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Disrespect: Giving someone half the peace sign without suggesting they are number one
←Rate | 07-06-2010 19:13 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon The reason I watch crime documentaries on drug smugglers is to look for new ways to sneak a bag of Doritos into the house.
←Rate | 07-07-2010 13:57 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"? Damn firemen.
←Rate | 07-07-2010 14:14 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you're going to have two faces, you'd think you'd make one of them attractive
←Rate | 07-08-2010 14:03 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tip to reduce weight: first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
←Rate | 07-09-2010 01:57 by lemonpillow Comments (2)  


   messageicon Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you..
←Rate | 07-09-2010 14:33 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.
←Rate | 07-10-2010 14:23 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Have you ever noticed how some people just won't stop texting even after you shoot them the one word answers repeatedly?
←Rate | 07-10-2010 14:33 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.
←Rate | 07-11-2010 06:28 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.
←Rate | 07-11-2010 10:34 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.Paddy says "that was great, I wonder how the girls got on?"
←Rate | 07-11-2010 13:53 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's nothing wrong with having sex with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
←Rate | 07-12-2010 01:52 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.
←Rate | 07-12-2010 13:44 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon ..instead of politicians saying "My heart goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan..." how about saying "A plane goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan to get them the f*ck out of there!"?
←Rate | 07-13-2010 13:48 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  




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