Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Duran Duran have reworked one of their classic singles for the World Cup. It goes, 'His name is Rio and he watches from the stands...'

   What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

   ..i blame my typos on my years as a postwoman. Even today I cant help but miss a letter ot two..

   Promises are like babies: easy to make but hard to deliver.

   Can Atheists get insurance for Acts of God?

   You're like a cloud: once you f*ck off,it's a nice day.

   I went to have Botox, the surgeon said to me "That's $8000 dollars please" I couldn't even looked shocked.

   This status was sent from inside the Channel Tunnel. Try that on your precious iPhones.

   Breed a Labrador Retriever with a Curly Coated Retriever and you get a Lab Coat Retriever. The choice of medical professionals everywhere.

   My inability to use emoticons correctly is really getting me down :)

   Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to get a signal on it's IPhone 4.

   A smile is a sign of joy. A hug is a sign of love. A laugh is a sign of happiness. And a friend like me…Sh*t, that's just a sign of good taste!!

   Just a guess, but I'm suspecting if the Cancer Society held drinkathons instead of walkathons, we'd have a cure by now

   My dog hired a Person Whisperer. So now I'm driving home with 87,000 chew toys and I don't know why

   My car talks. It says things like "your door is ajar", but never anything really helpful like, "there's a trooper hiding in the bushes."

   I like "glass half full" type of people. Unless they're working behind the bar.

   The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

   Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.

   Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'

   Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends