Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ATTENTION: Law Enforcement Officials need everyone's help!!! Police are searching for a thief who splashes gasoline on his victims and then robs them by threatening them with a lighted match. The Authorities want to catch him before he strikes again.

   on the 8th day god created beer to keep Canadians from taking over the world

   If you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed.

   And in the stock market today, helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

   I came, I sawed, I yelled "Timber!"

   I met a man who fell into an upholstery machine. Fortunately, he's fully recovered now.

   been trying to remember the name of that disease that causes baldness, but I can't think of it off the top of my head.

   wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.

   kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

   went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

   the head radiologist of the X-ray department at the hospital married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her...

   living the dream, one nightmare at a time.

   Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

   often thought of getting into the petroleum industry, but drilling for oil is boring.

   thinks that Valentine's Day is Halloween's evil, hateful twin.

   believes the difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'

   My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

   performed Plastic Surgery today: I was cutting up all your credit cards.

   Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction.

   if you want to kill a circus act, you've got to go for the juggler.