Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - I would quit drinking, but my father didn't raiser a quiter.

   Correction: If your boyfriend answers your text while playing mw2, he doesn't love you. He just died.

   Welcome back, Sunday....it's nice to see you. Stay a while...don't be in such a rush to leave like your friends Friday and Saturday!

   misses the way things were and is running out of ideas on how to get it back

   never give up...often success is just a step away!

   's dad's bumper sticker says: I'm spending my kids inheritance...on her bail.

   Gray hair is God's Graffiti.... Then the Big Guy's been scribbling all over my melon like a newbie gang initiate.

   you can sleep with a blonde,you can sleep with a brunette, but you won't get any sleep with a redhead. ;)

   helping people find Jesus, one funeral at a time...

   if love is blind,how does it happen at 1st sight???

   im not conceited,im just simply aware if how sexy I am!!

   I think I'm ready for a man in my life again. I cleaned out one drawer...in the kitchen, two inches of hanger space...in the hall closet and enough room for one pair of shoes...on the porch.

   life is about kicking a$$ not kissing it!!!!!

   Says Anything you Can Do... I Can Do It Better!!!

   It's not the minutes that we spend sitting at the table that puts on weight. It's the seconds.

   Wants Febreeze to make a bacon scent and then I'll be on board... Mmmmm bacon house.

   Thank god I don't have 3D glasses Celine Dion's nose is scary enough without them!

   bored, so is considering dressing as the grim reaper and tapping on the windows of the local retirement home and waving to the residents for entertainment

   wonders if I'm the only person that doesn't want to be on the Price is Right because I don't want to be seen running like a baboon down the aisles?

   A nwe sutdy porves htat hte hmuan barin cna tarsnlate an in-cmopleet snetence or a fargmnet of a wrod by piecnig eahc slyalbel of hte fargmnet toegtehr -tahnks