Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly . . . on a broomstick. We're flexible that way.

   workin' hard all week to put beer on the table.

   supporting Tiger Wood's habits by buying the last of his discontinued Gatorade.

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house.

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside. But it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   If Bono ,Julia Roberts and the rest of those billionare bozos care so much then why not sell one of your mansions or private jets and give it to charity. But those elitists gotta beg the hard-working Americans to give what we don't have, now get off my tv

   if Osama Bin Laden played Call of Duty, he would be the best camper.

   ..is so blonde,she thought a thesaurus was a dinosaur.

   soo old that he knew the Dead Sea when it was ill

   We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse..

   When a man talks dirty 2 a women, its sexual harassment when a women talks dirty 2 a man, its $3.95 a minute!

   it possible to be in two places at twice?

   feels sorry for guys who's girlfriends call them The Boy. Hanging out with The Boy Tonight. Obviously he's not the man.

   I am getting more sensitive the older I get. I realized this today as I sat on a park bench throwing bread crumbs to the old people.

   If I need directions, I'm not asking a man with one tooth. I'm asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there..

   Most dentist's chairs go up and down. The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' . And the dentist said to me, Sir, please get out of the filing cabinet.

   I read somewhere that when you get married, you should marry your best friend. Talk about awkward, he was already married.

   wants to know that if God didn't want us to eat meat, why did he make Cows so slow? Have you ever eaten a Cheetah burger? Nope, and you never will.... !!!!

   This is something that happened to me, and a lot of people think I'm crazy and I'm making it up or whatever, but six months ago, I was abducted by aliens. They beat the crap out of me. I couldn't get away -- I don't speak Spanish

   What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin...