Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why get married and make one woman miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

   when I was born, they asked me if I wanted a long memory or a long penis.. I FORGET MY RESPONSE

   I believe theirs more than one way to skin a cat!!! but the cat wont like any one of them

   has a big clock

   CHAOS, PANIC & DISORDER... MY WORK HERE IS DONE...

   I want 2 die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather!! Not screaming in terror like his passengers!:)

   Their is a perfect girl 4 everyone!! I think mine died at birth

   i use to have a coke problem........ now its just pepsi

   How can you tell a woman is having a bad day?? she has a tampon behind her ear and cant find her cigarette

   Well I just bought another load of laundry and a few things to dust for Christmas... I hope my family and friends enjoy a little extra work... You're welcome...That's just how I roll...

   stopped by a man in the street who asked... "Excuse me... can you tell me the quickest way to get to the hospital" I replied..... "Yeah..... just call me a name"

   DID YOU KNOW........Summer on Uranus lasts for 21 years - but so does winter.

   DID YOU KNOW......The tallest mountain on earth is under the ocean: Mauna Kea in Hawaii is 10,200 metres (33,465 ft) high. Mount Everest is 8,848 metres (29,029 ft) high.

   may not be suitable for young adults

   school and life are similar in a way. In school, you learn a lesson and then take a test. In life, you come across a test that teaches you a lesson.

   apologizes for sounding insensitive, but that "Christmas Shoes" song just plain sucks.

   thankful for my mistakes for they have been my greatest teachers.

   contemplating doing a combination of christmas and easter, wrap the gifts, then hide them all over the house, voila...Christer!!!

   certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys!

   on an important conference call. I guess I should be listening but my farms need tending dammit!