Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

   If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.

   You may have DIALOG or MOBITEL connection, but when you sneeze, all you say is "HUTCH"

   hiding behind your door waiting to scare you...:O

   Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!

   A glow worm is never glum… Because, how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?

   not addicted to cocaine, he just likes the way it smells.

   playing fetch with his Chia Pet.

   She said FML. She wants it, you gotta' give it to her.

   has an overwhelming urge to forcefeed anorexic teenage girls grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches until she can no longer count their ribs.

   Why is it when someone's girlfriend or wife gets pregnant, her friends rub her belly and say congratulations, but no one rubs a man's penis and says good job?

   Money cant buy hapiness..But it can buy a reasonable facsimile so close that the average human being cannot tell the differance

   you are not a PC, you are a human being

   You are feeling sleepy... you will obey me... you will take off your pants...

   What has 148 teeth and can hold back the Hulk? My Zipper :]

   As if weighing 400 pounds didn't call enough attention to yourself,

   Me Chinese, Me Play Joke, Me put Roofie in your Coke

   Today I met the sweetest, funniest, hottest guy in the world!......then his boyfriend showed up :(

   hates it when people use the term "FOLKS". Are we on Green Acres?

   everyone hs photographic memory, some just don't hv th film