Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon A reminder on one of my dating profiles says "You should be more popular!" I agree.
←Rate | 02-16-2018 22:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am going to write a book about A.D.D., because I love fishing.
←Rate | 02-21-2018 21:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss wants to send me to a Time Management training class. Is he serious? I'm way too busy for that!
←Rate | 02-22-2018 07:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was super lazy today. It’s like regular lazy but I wear a cape.
←Rate | 02-21-2018 19:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So have they made a drink called "Tequila Mockingbird" yet? What the hell are they waiting for?
←Rate | 02-21-2018 22:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never quit dreaming or you'll never experience a dream becoming true....
←Rate | 02-22-2018 00:19 by RickH. Comments (1)  

   messageicon Before becoming a parent, I never needed a drink :-)
←Rate | 02-22-2018 02:31 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking. So no more drive through KFC. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
←Rate | 02-22-2018 04:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Aww. You shouldn't have" is woman for "if you didn't, you better start praying"
←Rate | 02-22-2018 04:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing around here makes sense. If something did make sense it wouldn’t make sense because in order to make sense it can’t make sense. Am I making sense?
←Rate | 02-22-2018 11:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?
←Rate | 01-16-2018 10:35 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.
←Rate | 02-17-2018 09:14 Comments (2)  

   messageicon That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
←Rate | 12-29-2017 07:57 by Funny Comments (1)  

   messageicon Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."
←Rate | 09-28-2017 20:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house
←Rate | 01-01-2018 20:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.
←Rate | 01-01-2018 04:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
←Rate | 01-08-2018 11:43 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.
←Rate | 01-22-2018 23:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.
←Rate | 09-19-2017 09:07 Comments (0)  

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