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X If you can't tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you're an idiot.
X I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.
X If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.
X Hate it when girls make me do the walk of shame in the morning. So embarrassing circling my own apartment waiting for them to leave.
X is Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I'd have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
X In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.
X If I make intense eye contact with you as I yawn, I'm basically saying, "This one's for you, you boring motherf*cker."
X "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah, my Facebook photo has 27 likes and I think I'm ready to go pro."
X Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
X Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.
X In 1987, my teacher made me write 'I must hand my work in on time' five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway... I'm finally done.
X My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
X Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I'm gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
X It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
X I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...
X To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
X Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.
X I'm not sick, I'm twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure...
X I'm not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you're thinking.
X My friend came over and left his laptop on the floor. My mother thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My mother weighs 950 dollars.