SEAN Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...
←Rate | 09-27-2019 09:09 by SEAN Comments (1)  


   messageicon Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my wife the silent treatment and I didn't want her to bless me.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 09:33 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 09:31 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can anyone recommend a good wine that pairs well with a teenager's sh@# attitude?
←Rate | 08-18-2019 10:10 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..
←Rate | 06-24-2019 15:41 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..
←Rate | 06-21-2019 09:19 by SEAN Comments (1)  


   messageicon The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.
←Rate | 06-04-2019 09:27 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....
←Rate | 06-04-2019 09:25 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...
←Rate | 04-28-2019 00:43 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...
←Rate | 04-05-2018 18:18 by SEAN Comments (3)  


   messageicon had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..
←Rate | 02-07-2018 05:55 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend
←Rate | 01-20-2018 07:22 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..
←Rate | 10-03-2017 10:38 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...
←Rate | 10-03-2017 10:35 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
←Rate | 10-03-2017 10:27 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...
←Rate | 08-21-2017 19:18 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
←Rate | 08-19-2017 11:24 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....
←Rate | 07-10-2017 14:38 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
←Rate | 04-13-2017 22:34 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬
←Rate | 04-04-2017 09:33 by SEAN Comments (0)  



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