Derek Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon These kids on MasterChef Junior are incredible! I think I'm creative when I add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich.
←Rate | 10-19-2013 09:37 by derek Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet
←Rate | 10-19-2013 09:35 by derek Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me, because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar.
←Rate | 03-02-2011 08:35 by Derek Comments (0)  


   messageicon My son asked why women wear white at weddings. I said "Its always better if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator. "
←Rate | 02-16-2011 08:59 by Derek Comments (0)  


   messageicon To all the women I have slept with, I have herpes....and you thought I'd forget you on Valentine's Day
←Rate | 02-14-2011 11:15 by Derek Comments (0)  


   messageicon I put Red Bull in my coffe pot this morning instead of water. I'm so wired I can see noises...
←Rate | 12-05-2010 09:48 by Derek Comments (1)  


   messageicon The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil
←Rate | 09-04-2010 16:56 by derek Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
←Rate | 07-28-2010 02:24 by derek Comments (0)  


   messageicon figured out that the shin bone is intended for finding furniture in a dark room.
←Rate | 07-28-2010 02:23 by derek Comments (0)  


   messageicon If it's broken, fix it. If it's lost, find it. If it's loud turn it down. If it's hot, cool it off. If it burns when you pee, call all of your exes
←Rate | 07-26-2010 20:10 by derek Comments (0)  



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