Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The press can try to shove all that bIack BS down our throats all they want, but we're not swallowing any of it.

   I'm like Crisco in a can. White, round and filled with fat.

   I deactivated my automatic spell checker on Facebook. Who I really didn't know in real life anyways.

   My Alexis doesn't always answer me when I ask you a question, and now I know why it talks like a woman.

   ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

   Thighland a country or an awesome strip joint?

   Biden's Brain Matters...not

   I don’t know who needs to hear this, but raccoons are terrible in bed.

   Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

   Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer

   It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

   I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.

   what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

   think about this. if you put a banana down you have to put it on its side. but if you slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why I don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

   Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

   My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

   We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.

   Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

   Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

   I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.