Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If illegals are freeloaders, then why does ICE always raid workplaces?
←Rate | 01-19-2020 01:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "It doesn't bother me that my wife goes out to play BINGO every night. It's the coming back home part that does.
←Rate | 01-18-2020 22:11 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was yelled at by a Delta flight attendant for asking if I could change my seat away from a crying baby. Okay so the crying baby was mine.
←Rate | 01-18-2020 21:17 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guilt is simply God's way of letting us know that we're having a real good time.
←Rate | 01-18-2020 21:14 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jack Daniels Pizza... The perfect dinner.
←Rate | 01-18-2020 19:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really want to meet a redneck, hillbilly who own stocks.
←Rate | 01-18-2020 18:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon DNC senators: Ha ha ha swear to be impartial even though I know this is a coup and it has no grounds
←Rate | 01-18-2020 18:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Went to a strip club last night. The women were super hot and the comedian was hilarious. I was laughing so hard.
←Rate | 01-18-2020 15:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn't noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
←Rate | 01-18-2020 11:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
←Rate | 01-18-2020 11:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today is National Winnie the Pooh Day, which is why I’m not wearing any pants.
←Rate | 01-18-2020 07:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today’s the start of the “Christmas hangover.” The holidays are over and everyone is getting their credit card bills. I just got mine and I can’t believe I spent that much on the Thigh Master.
←Rate | 01-18-2020 07:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you have a crush on me tell me b4 I invest my Valentines Money in Mutual funds
←Rate | 01-18-2020 04:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How can he be full of crap if he needs to flush his toilet 10 times when he done crapping?
←Rate | 01-18-2020 03:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I don't think I can get through a day without my middle finger."
←Rate | 01-17-2020 20:16 by Starman Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rep. senators: Ha ha ha swear to be impartial and listen to the evidence(ha ha ha) before acquitting.
←Rate | 01-17-2020 19:37 by IDTN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm willing to abandon everything in the constitution for Donald Trump.
←Rate | 01-17-2020 17:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"
←Rate | 01-17-2020 17:08 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon "The main thing about being a woman is trying to lock in moisture" -TV
←Rate | 01-17-2020 14:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
←Rate | 01-17-2020 14:57 Comments (0)  


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