Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Figured out why woman love serial killer documentaries so much. They’re about men who are dedicated, they have a plan, and are full of surprises.

   Did you know Adam & Eve had the 1st computer? ...it was an Apple with 1 byte

   Ladies... As long as I have a face, you have a place to sit.

   Minorites "we have issues we need help with" Corporations "ok, we hear you, you want diverse MnMs

   Why do eggs come in a flimsy styrofoam containers but batteries come in a heavy plastic case you need a chainsaw to open?

   When I'm bored I lay on the kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   I went to confession. Things in my life have gotten way out of hand and I mean WAY out. For penance, the priest gave me 10 Hail Marys, 10 Act of Contritions, 10 Our Fathers and a Do It Yourself Crucifixion kit from IKEA.

   your black

   Playing Kidnap Simulator

   I always wondered what it was that he wouldn't do for love, and now we know: he wouldn't get vaccinated.