Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump
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My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry. 
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government. 1. You must be old. Really old...like above 75 years old. 2.The older you're, the higher your chances. 3. Death is an added advantage.
I wish I could close my eyes and all these 3-years was just a nightmare.
So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it
Allow your children to believe in Santa Claus. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining the magic for you .
If you’re arguing loudly on your cell in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.
You know you're a classic VW owner if your friends always ask to borrow tools when you stop by because they know you're carrying them with you.
When I die, please don’t do an autopsy. Whatever happened is fine.
Saw a great movie about fishing. reel good cast.
Nobody Ask you For More Favors Than.... The Cops! Hey Buddy Do Me A Favor.. #StepOutTheVehicle Do Me A Favor.. #TurnAroundFaceTheCar Do Me A Favor.. #PutYourHandsBehindUrBack
What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B? Wasabi.
Every Final Destination movie ending: Death wins, everyone who survived the accident in the beginning, dies.
Took my phone to the men's room once-didn't realize I was streaming live..
Selling scotch during a prohibition is whiskey business.
Why did the Galaxy Karaoke phone fail? It always played the Samsung over and over again.
My math teacher called me average. How mean!
My sister used to date a guy who played professional hockey in Calgary. He's an old Flame.
*pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way
Give a man a fish and he'll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.