Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'd prefer to believe in Scientology rather than that stupid Q conspiracy.
←Rate | 09-24-2020 09:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Athletes are nothing more than individuals who repress their h0m0sexuality.
←Rate | 09-24-2020 08:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry that Ruth Bader Ginsburg clocked out. But the bright spot is we get to see a white funeral for a change.
←Rate | 09-23-2020 17:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
←Rate | 09-23-2020 16:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
←Rate | 09-23-2020 16:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?
←Rate | 09-23-2020 04:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Walking around mutterin' "Damn kids" while turning down the thermostat. The Walking Dad
←Rate | 09-23-2020 04:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The world has indeed changed, I saw two guys put masks on to take a bag of money into a bank.
←Rate | 09-22-2020 21:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has anyone started selling a Ginsberg zombie Halloween costume yet?
←Rate | 09-22-2020 10:40 by rwconspirator Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i wear a mask when I sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ‘Was that really necessary?’ ~slapped newborns
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to be that grandpa someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Taco Bell: You need to loosen up. Stools: OK!
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This anger management class is pissing me off.
←Rate | 09-22-2020 08:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it still called a gas pedal on an electric car?
←Rate | 09-21-2020 17:08 by Gabe Comments (0)  


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