Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Denmark says they're going to loan Greenland to Canada just to mess with and piss off Trump.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 21:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you see me talking to myself just ignore it. I'm self employed and we're having a staff meeting...
←Rate | 08-19-2019 16:40 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon just found out the guy I'm dating is married. wild. I always just thought he was doing a bad borat impression.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My son answered a test question "What causes the earth to rotate?" with "Fat bottomed girls." He failed the test but won my RESPECT.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait for Kim Kardashian to get old
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just bought a pair of velcro shoes. What a rip off.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A solid way to make your waiter's head explode is to order a grilled cheese with no bread.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your ever feeling unloved and unwanted where no one calls or text you anymore, let me give you a word of advice I gave to a friend that instantly fixed her problem, which is check to make sure your phone isn't in airplane mode.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some days I think I'm slightly intelligent, other days I try to take a screenshot of my cracked phone screen
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone knows that your eyebrows are drawn on, we just wish you'd make them lightning bolts once in a while.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I simply haven't seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I put the cute in electrocute.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
←Rate | 08-19-2019 13:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 12:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this lady if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
←Rate | 08-19-2019 12:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon choosing the perfect podcast to listen to for the 20 second walk taking the trash out so I don’t accidentally exist in silence for a single moment of my life
←Rate | 08-19-2019 12:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Relationship advice: Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
←Rate | 08-19-2019 12:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon bought candy at the movies and suddenly I can't pay this months rent anymore
←Rate | 08-19-2019 12:14 Comments (0)  


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