Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kaitlin Bennett pooped her pants.

   Jussie was like: Hold my bleach and watch this! I was like: I can Smollet from a mile that you are fake noose.

   My girlfiriend and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.

   Jussie, you are fake noose.

   Jussie you have some splaining to do .

   Wish every project I start was as easily finished as in the how to videos.

   I drank a six pack of Chinese beer earlier, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   Just got done knockin boots! Alright fine, I just used a broom to brush the snow off of my sandals...

   I'm so classy, I'll pose for porn with my tits baring out, beside another nude female.

   Trump just declared himself a national emergency!

   Dance like no one's watching! Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube.

   a corndog is NOT a meat twinkie...it's a pancake d*ck!

   I want to go big AND go home.

   Life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you going to get, if you can't follow directions and just look at the little chart on the back of the box.

   I'm so old that my family tree starts with me.

   OK. What genius decided to call it a Corn Dog and not a Meat Twinkie?

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

   Yes, I'm a chick magnet. The problem is, I'm the side that repels. FML.

   If you have time to golf during a national emergency, I guess you must be doing something right.

   The best sign of a intimate relationship are no pictures of it on Facebook.