Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.

   Do you have any Imodium? Me, flirting

   If a baker can refuse to bake a cake for people, then a restaurant owner has every right to deny a fat, ugly pig in her restaurant.

   I’m at my most delusional when I make a to do list

   I'm a huge advocate of medicinal mozzarella.

   I don't take nude selfies Vodka: Oooh yes, you do.

   I sexually identify as too tired for this.

   It’s like my grandfather used to say: “The more clit sucking you do, the less nagging you’ll hear”

   From now on, the Red Hen Restaurant is my favorite place, and I will eat there every single day.

   Relationship status: A spider just walked across my thigh and I enjoyed it.

   You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.

   Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

   I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

   if this space force is legit, send up people too overweight to run on the ground just so we can have "pigs in space"

   Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will destroy a Millennial's ability to even.

   If smartphones existed in the 80's, most of us would have a parole officer.

   And for my next trick, my brain will chemically balance itself.

   Immigrant families will no longer be separted. They will be locked up together. Hopefully we can start with Hillary's family.

   "It's not all about how someone looks." - Helen Keller.

   Have you ever put butter on a Poptart, it's so frigging goooood . If you haven't put butter on a Poptart, I really think you should .