Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.
←Rate | 06-24-2018 00:58 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you have any Imodium? Me, flirting
←Rate | 06-23-2018 14:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a baker can refuse to bake a cake for people, then a restaurant owner has every right to deny a fat, ugly pig in her restaurant.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 13:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m at my most delusional when I make a to do list
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm a huge advocate of medicinal mozzarella.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't take nude selfies Vodka: Oooh yes, you do.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I sexually identify as too tired for this.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s like my grandfather used to say: “The more clit sucking you do, the less nagging you’ll hear”
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon From now on, the Red Hen Restaurant is my favorite place, and I will eat there every single day.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Relationship status: A spider just walked across my thigh and I enjoyed it.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 12:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 05:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 05:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 05:23 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon if this space force is legit, send up people too overweight to run on the ground just so we can have "pigs in space"
←Rate | 06-23-2018 00:21 by Eddy Comments (1)  

   messageicon Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will destroy a Millennial's ability to even.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 22:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If smartphones existed in the 80's, most of us would have a parole officer.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 22:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon And for my next trick, my brain will chemically balance itself.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 21:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Immigrant families will no longer be separted. They will be locked up together. Hopefully we can start with Hillary's family.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 21:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "It's not all about how someone looks." - Helen Keller.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 20:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Have you ever put butter on a Poptart, it's so frigging goooood . If you haven't put butter on a Poptart, I really think you should .
←Rate | 06-22-2018 18:17 Comments (0)  


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