Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   IF you had to lay down on your bed to zip up your jeans this morning you might wanna consider calling in thick today.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

   What did the little black boy get for Christmas? My bike.

   .I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn’t the other? He was a little more on.

   For those of you that watched the debate, I basically did the same thing, only when I was done picking my nose, I had something to show for it

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds! Just take a look at me now!!

   3 horrible facts: Today is not Friday Tomorrow is not Friday The day after is not Friday

   My coffee is so black, it's running for President

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.