Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Four people on Google give a restaurant a bad review so you won't eat there. But millions of people report bad side effects from a vaccination and you keep going back for boosters. And bringing your kids.

   I'm almost a millionaire. I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.

   Ladies. Does listening to Taylor Swift songs actually help you deal with your tragic love lives?

   Here is some good free advice. When you see someone gorgeous, this is what I do. I just stare until I get tired, then I put the mirror down and go do something else.

   Forgive and forget? What do I look like? Jesus with Alzheimer's?

   I can relate to batteries. I'm not included in anything either.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is upset with you, simply tell her that you'll buy her some crayons if she wants to keep acting like a child. After hearing this, she will immediately reflect on her behavior and calm down.

   Dianne Feinstein has passed away. I think I'll have enchiladas for dinner.

   The Wicked Witch of the West said it best: What a world, what a world

   I once took a Viagra and it lasted longer than 4 hours. I asked my date if I should call the doctor. She screamed, "DON'T YOU DARE!!!"