Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We have to flush our toilets at least 10 times a day because our God commands us to. We must obay him or he will punish us.

   Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album

   I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

   I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."

   If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

   If anybody knows any lonely old people preparing to eat Christmas dinner alone? Please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs!

   To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h

   Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.

   it just me, or does Jerry Nadler look like he should be baking cookies in a tree.

   What jugglers do best 1. Juggle 2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

   Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

   So, Biden was a Senator for 100 years and VP for 8 years and all of a sudden, he has a bunch of great ideas on how to improve the US??

   Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?

   COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: I have no idea why a crustacean- I mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

   The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

   In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]

   Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"

   Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.