Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If illegals are freeloaders, then why does ICE always raid workplaces?

   "It doesn't bother me that my wife goes out to play BINGO every night. It's the coming back home part that does.

   I was yelled at by a Delta flight attendant for asking if I could change my seat away from a crying baby. Okay so the crying baby was mine.

   Guilt is simply God's way of letting us know that we're having a real good time.

   Jack Daniels Pizza... The perfect dinner.

   I really want to meet a redneck, hillbilly who own stocks.

   DNC senators: Ha ha ha swear to be impartial even though I know this is a coup and it has no grounds

   Went to a strip club last night. The women were super hot and the comedian was hilarious. I was laughing so hard.

   I've worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn't noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

   It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

   Today is National Winnie the Pooh Day, which is why I’m not wearing any pants.

   Today’s the start of the “Christmas hangover.” The holidays are over and everyone is getting their credit card bills. I just got mine and I can’t believe I spent that much on the Thigh Master.

   If you have a crush on me tell me b4 I invest my Valentines Money in Mutual funds

   How can he be full of crap if he needs to flush his toilet 10 times when he done crapping?

   "I don't think I can get through a day without my middle finger."

   Rep. senators: Ha ha ha swear to be impartial and listen to the evidence(ha ha ha) before acquitting.

   I'm willing to abandon everything in the constitution for Donald Trump.

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   "The main thing about being a woman is trying to lock in moisture" -TV

   How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?