Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon We have to flush our toilets at least 10 times a day because our God commands us to. We must obay him or he will punish us.
←Rate | 12-07-2019 23:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
←Rate | 12-07-2019 08:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If anybody knows any lonely old people preparing to eat Christmas dinner alone? Please let me know as I need to borrow some chairs!
←Rate | 12-07-2019 07:20 by Truman Comments (0)  


   messageicon To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue in their yard........ can you remove them? Every time I pass, I think it's the cops and I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, h
←Rate | 12-06-2019 19:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can you put tequila in a humidifier? Just asking for a friend.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 13:14 by RichMcC Comments (0)  


   messageicon it just me, or does Jerry Nadler look like he should be baking cookies in a tree.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 12:42 by Grumpy Comments (0)  


   messageicon What jugglers do best 1. Juggle 2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
←Rate | 12-06-2019 11:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 10:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So, Biden was a Senator for 100 years and VP for 8 years and all of a sudden, he has a bunch of great ideas on how to improve the US??
←Rate | 12-06-2019 10:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: I have no idea why a crustacean- I mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
←Rate | 12-06-2019 09:04 Comments (0)  



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