Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 5972

   messageicon I’m 39, If you invite me to a party that only starts after 10pm, I’m not even going to pretend I’ll make it.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 16:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My bucket list. 1. Buy bucket.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 16:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
←Rate | 02-17-2020 16:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 16:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In Scotland, it's illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. I just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 15:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 15:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yesterday, I found it offensive to talk about a wall. Daley Earnhardt was killed by one.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 12:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon God, himself, bows down to Donald Trump. God declares Trump is perfect. I will bet my life on this.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 12:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What came first the chicken or the egg all depends on whether or not I'm having breakfast or dinner.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 11:29 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon If someone makes meat based vegetables, I'm in!
←Rate | 02-17-2020 10:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 08:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 08:01 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look. I sent you a friend request because you're hot. Not because I wanna buy your CBD oil.
←Rate | 02-17-2020 06:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Chalkboards are a remarkable invention.
←Rate | 02-16-2020 20:35 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon : It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
←Rate | 02-16-2020 19:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!
←Rate | 02-16-2020 19:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The rain delay the Daytona 500 is experiencing is God crying over his redneck children for using only .000001% of their brains.
←Rate | 02-16-2020 16:01 by BigBubba'sBabyBrudder Comments (0)  

   messageicon Rednecks took the phrase "going around in circles" and turned it into a sport for folks with single digit IQ's.
←Rate | 02-16-2020 12:06 by HeeHaw Comments (0)  

   messageicon Q.What does Pete Buttigieg have in common with a successful circumcision? A. They're both little off sawed off peckers.
←Rate | 02-16-2020 11:15 by MJFer Comments (0)  


Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left