Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Mexican hookers plan to drill glory holes in Trump's wall.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 14:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
←Rate | 02-25-2018 13:10 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon As a lesbian, I can relate to NRA members because I also use inanimate objects to make up for my lack of d1ck.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 13:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I planted a loaf of Ezekiel bread. It grew into a tree filled with cuckoo birds quoting verses from the Old Testament.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 12:57 by Da-Lort Comments (0)  

   messageicon Texas is becoming more democrat. Thank you Trump!
←Rate | 02-25-2018 10:30 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 10:19 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A dwarf fortuneteller has escaped from the the county jail. Police are reporting that there is a small medium at large.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Libs, if these illegals are such great people, why didn't they just fix their own country?
←Rate | 02-25-2018 09:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to hell.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 09:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the a$$, Press 2 to be pushed off a cliff or Press 3 to go to jail.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 08:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Score steam is the steam on a teen boy's car windows
←Rate | 02-25-2018 03:02 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wonder if D was told the brain was an app, he start using it.
←Rate | 02-25-2018 00:53 by 25the45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:34 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 22:55 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 22:17 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 22:09 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 07:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Her: Just relax and be yourself. Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 07:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
←Rate | 02-24-2018 06:15 Comments (0)  


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