Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon @ a funeral . ME: What's the WiFi password PRIEST: Respect the dead ME: Is that all small letters?
←Rate | 10-26-2016 16:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon @ a funeral
←Rate | 10-26-2016 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.
←Rate | 10-26-2016 11:51 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
←Rate | 10-26-2016 11:49 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
←Rate | 10-26-2016 11:48 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was young at bedtimes my mum always told me a story with a happy ending. One of the benefits of having a mum from Thailand I suppose.
←Rate | 10-26-2016 11:48 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think Christmas must be near, The bin man said good morning to me.
←Rate | 10-26-2016 11:47 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.
←Rate | 10-26-2016 11:19 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.
←Rate | 10-26-2016 10:38 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.
←Rate | 10-26-2016 04:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just once I'd like someone to say to me "sheesh your girl's hot as sh1t."
←Rate | 10-25-2016 23:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't decide whether to vote for the crooked liar or the lying crook...
←Rate | 10-25-2016 20:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wait, free healthcare premiums are going up again?? Don't worry Democrats, it'll be announced after your fools elect you...
←Rate | 10-25-2016 19:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll say one thing for the Trumps: the wooden pallet their housekeeper sleeps on isn't missing any slats.
←Rate | 10-25-2016 17:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Talking to you makes my ovaries hurt.
←Rate | 10-25-2016 15:51 by April Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you put "LOL" onto the end of your text message, it acts like a flotation device so the message doesn't sink into sadness. LOL
←Rate | 10-25-2016 13:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What do I call people who don't like Halloween? Boring. I call them boring.
←Rate | 10-25-2016 10:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm so hungry I could eat a farm-raised, grass-fed, free-range, fair trade, organic, no-added antibiotics or hormones horse.
←Rate | 10-25-2016 06:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Got a white noise machine. Not sure how listening to people talk about GoT and pumpkin spice will help me sleep
←Rate | 10-25-2016 05:37 by unknown comic Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?
←Rate | 10-25-2016 02:23 by Comments (0)  


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