Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon Anybody have the over/under on the number of bathroom door labels that will be available at the Democratic National Convention?
←Rate | 04-29-2016 21:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon No matter how good looking she is, somewhere a man is tired of her crap... Jayz
←Rate | 04-29-2016 19:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS.
←Rate | 04-29-2016 16:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Indians seem to always have a Discount. I asked Rajesh what time is it? He replied, " Its 3 O'clock my friend but for you I will make it 2.30".
←Rate | 04-29-2016 15:03 Comments (0)  




   messageicon The real problem with the upcoming election is one of them is going to win...
←Rate | 04-29-2016 08:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else!
←Rate | 04-29-2016 08:44 by YODA Comments (0)  


   messageicon Facebook is now a place full of crazy Trump supporters waiting to be offended with whatever Hillary says.
←Rate | 04-29-2016 07:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never date left handed women. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.
←Rate | 04-29-2016 07:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A baby is never a "surprise" or a "mistake". You had sex without a condom. What did you really expect? A flat screen tv.
←Rate | 04-29-2016 07:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There Are Two Reasons Why I Never Fit In At Trump Rallies: 1) I can think for myself. 2) I dont care what others think of me.
←Rate | 04-29-2016 07:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like to leave random messages like "I'm pregnant -- Call me" on random car windshields in the shopping mall parking lot.
←Rate | 04-29-2016 07:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Those miniature bottles of alcohol at the liquor store should be free samples while you shop.
←Rate | 04-29-2016 07:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
←Rate | 04-29-2016 06:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm getting so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at the mortuary and "You're doing your job", do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".
←Rate | 04-29-2016 06:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was in Florida and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss Detroit". So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that reads "I hope that helps".
←Rate | 04-29-2016 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Extra virgin olive oil is just like regular olive oil but with more Star Wars action figures.
←Rate | 04-29-2016 00:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't always share a public bathroom with a stranger, but when I do, I prefer a Transgendered Person to some Fool with a Concealed Gun.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 21:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't always share a public bathroom with a strager, but when I do, I prefer a Transgendered Person to some Fool with a Concealed Gun.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 21:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My dog says my job is to always rub his back,, and violates OSHA law by not letting me take breaks.
←Rate | 04-28-2016 20:28 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My dancing has been described as "Oh Dear God, Can somebody get this man an EpiPen?”
←Rate | 04-28-2016 20:17 by Snotty Comments (0)  


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