Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon This whole Gorilla thing makes me wonder what kind of thoughtless ignorant parent tries to raise a child in Ohio?
←Rate | 06-01-2016 00:10 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.
←Rate | 05-31-2016 22:44 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
←Rate | 05-31-2016 22:41 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My autocorrect changed gluten-free to glutton-free, because my Droid has the special fat shaming software update.
←Rate | 05-31-2016 22:40 by Snotty Comments (0)  




   messageicon Oh, And BTW.... If you throw a porcupine at a dart board, you get all the points...
←Rate | 05-31-2016 22:26 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Panini is Italian for $14 grilled cheese.... #googletranslate
←Rate | 05-31-2016 22:23 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I die, I want a closed casket and "Pop goes the weasel" on repeat so people will wait in stunned horror for me to pop out.
←Rate | 05-31-2016 22:10 by Snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hear they are running a special on Harambe and noodles at the local Cincinnati China Dragon!
←Rate | 05-31-2016 18:03 by BigToe Comments (0)  


   messageicon changed his location to Killick-Claw
←Rate | 05-31-2016 16:58 by @QuoyleofRope Comments (0)  


   messageicon How might we get a small child to fall into Donald Trump's enclosure?
←Rate | 05-31-2016 13:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a man 'fine' he means the battle is over. When a woman says 'fine' she means she is fine with your impending death.
←Rate | 05-31-2016 13:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My donations to the food driver are bittersweet. I give, but it's canned sliced beets and Beefaroni.
←Rate | 05-31-2016 12:41 by Mickey Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's not stalking if you're documenting their life for a mixtape.
←Rate | 05-31-2016 12:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hillary is outraged that Republicans have started shooting potential Democrat voters at zoos
←Rate | 05-31-2016 10:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon .... The poor mother was only trying to give her son a chance at a better life ..... Then zookeepers shot his new adoptive parent.
←Rate | 05-31-2016 10:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Psychologists and Psychiatrists need their heads examined.
←Rate | 05-31-2016 09:50 by Fazzella Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is the speed limit in a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.
←Rate | 05-31-2016 08:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I called a phone sex line for married people. It was just a long uncomfortable silence till the operator said "make it quick."
←Rate | 05-31-2016 08:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Went to the Cincinnati Zoo the other day and have to say the baby sitting service was lousy. Well I guess if you pay peanuts you get monkeys.
←Rate | 05-31-2016 05:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I parallel parked today without turning down the radio....
←Rate | 05-30-2016 23:48 Comments (0)  


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