Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon Congrats again to Peyton Manning. I just hope it doesn't go to his forehead.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 15:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I came home from the gym this morning staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's almost Valentines Day and I still don't know what to get myself yet.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Success is 1% inspiration 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 14:02 by John Y Comments (0)  

   messageicon Opening a yoga studio just for dogs called NamaSit&Stay.... *Self,,,,Prepare to be rich
←Rate | 02-09-2016 10:50 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Relationship status: Looking for a good woman to stand up to my mom for me.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 10:42 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just walked into a public restroom. Seriously? What angle does one have to be to achieve that particular splatter pattern?
←Rate | 02-09-2016 10:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's such an old country, yet so unfit to ever produce one decent, respectable woman leader. That's how oppréssėd their woman folk are. Mozlem countries in their burqaa have had numerous female leaders (indonesia/Malaysia). Páthetic losêrs
←Rate | 02-09-2016 09:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Time Management training? I can't go to that. I'm too busy!
←Rate | 02-09-2016 07:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every time I change my mind, I always have parts left over. Who needs a medulla oblongata, anyway?
←Rate | 02-09-2016 07:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Donald J. Trump says he could tell a Syrian refugee child, to their face no, you “can’t come to America" and in all fairness a Native American kid could tell him 'Get the Hell Outta America"..........
←Rate | 02-09-2016 01:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon better stuff at the j.ok.e.c.a.f.e.
←Rate | 02-09-2016 01:31 by hank Comments (0)  

   messageicon ... Finally made it to that great part of the relationship where I can now fart and drink beer on the couch and she only gives me a dirty look ..... instead of running out of the room screeming! Life is good :-)
←Rate | 02-09-2016 00:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Feel like you're being taxxed up the A$$....? Feel the Bern.....
←Rate | 02-09-2016 00:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever feel like whatever TV show you're binging at the moment becomes your baseline for reality?
←Rate | 02-08-2016 23:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely women dancing in a circle pretending to be happy.
←Rate | 02-08-2016 23:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyday, thousands of innocent vegetables are vegetarians. Help end the violence now.
←Rate | 02-08-2016 23:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyday. thousands of innocent vegetables are vegetarians. Help end the violence now.
←Rate | 02-08-2016 23:38 Comments (0)  


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