Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Just watched a dog sucking on a pacifier as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star played and dont know how to feel.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Watching Steel Magnolias. I wish Julia Roberts could have died more.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever see a woman with her arm stuck in a Pringles can in Walmart, I'd appreciate it if you don't make eye contact with me, thanks.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The First Rule Of Any High School Math Club: If you've ever seen a boob you're the hero of math club.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Are we scraping you off the floor or the ceiling today?
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you have sex with someone who likes to be choked, what's the polite amount of time to wait before initiating CPR?
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A breakaway cop uniform might be a bit tacky but I think I could pull it off.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Perhaps it's best that Jack went crazy in The Shining because if he took that book to a publisher, boy that would've been embarrassing.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Should be working but instead thinking how I could smuggle a tennis ball cannon into the Westminster Dog Show.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No, it isn't Maybelline. It's chocolate pudding.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You look like an idiot Trump and your hair looks like a separate idiot. Good day to you both.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wow, watching the People in the Commercial Rock Climb, Scuba Dive & Live Life to the Fullest ............... makes me Wish I had Genital Herpes too.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn't funny. I just want to live life again.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Critiquing what local business owners do with their hands on 30 second spots since 1984.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you've got alzheimers.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon America should have its own moon.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again.
←Rate | 08-30-2016 15:09 Comments (0)  


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